WASHINGTON, DC — President Joe Biden’s dogs Champ and Major speak out months after being accused of nearly killing America’s then President-elect.
“We’re sick and tired of being blamed on social media for Joe’s broken foot, we had nothing to do with it,” Champ said in a press conference today. “Joe can barely walk as it is and trust, me if he grabbed my tail coming out of the shower naked I might have actually bit him in the balls, because who the hell grabs a dog’s tail naked, just out of a shower?”
I was in the foyer grabbing some sun and had just finished a round of licking my myself for the fifth time that morning,” Major said. “Next thing I hear is all this cursing from upstairs, ‘son-a-bitch’, ‘f*cking mother f*cker’ and things like that….then I look up and see Champ running upstairs to see what happened. Joe’s a liar and we’re not going to spend the next four years of our lives being blamed for something we didn’t do, because it’s really like 20 years in dog lives.”
Champ said when he ran upstairs to see what happened he saw the President-elect sprawled out naked and wet on the tile floor yelling and screaming and like the old people on those safety device commercials.
“I’m not taking the fall for Joe being old, the man is a trainwreck and you humans elected him President,” Champ said. “And f*ck Snopes, they fact-checked Snowflake being left home by Ted Cruz 15 times this week, but never fact-checked whether or not Joe Biden’s account of that day was true.”
Major admitted that he occasionally pees in Biden’s slippers after he goes to bed once in a while as an act of retaliation for the false accusation. Both dogs said they were motivated to speak to the media after so much attention was given to the plight of Snowflake when Ted Cruz left for Cancun.
“Dog Lives Matter,” Major said. “All dogs…not just dogs that get abused by Republicans. Democrats treat us just as badly…and ya, f*ck Greg Kelly too.”
“I don’t want to sound like I’m speaking out of turn, but I have an idea what Joe tripped over,” Champ added. “Those things hang down to his damn knees…it’s not a pretty sight.”